The boy i met online

Every time the memories flash back, there is never hurt anymore.

It was the first week of December and everyone at the office was busy practicing with their presentations for the upcoming Christmas party. Five of us were assigned to dance along with the singers. 

So there is this one guy on our group who will sing. I didn't know him and learned that he was a newly hired employee. Funny, he doesn't know me but he cheers every time i dance. And so we became friends. 

The next day i found some cupcakes on my table. It was from him. No notes, just his name. Timothy Joseph C***. 

And then he added me on face book and I unhesitantly accepted it too. What's wrong with that if I'm single?

And so I decided to search for him on every social media that i have including twitter. I found him through searching his full name. I didn't bother to browse his full twitter profile, i just followed him. Little did I know that it was not him. Just some other TIMOTHY JOSEPH C*** twitter user. After waiting for a day for him to follow me back, i dig in to his profile and learned that it was not him so I unfollowed this user.

After several days, someone messaged me on my blog saying he likes my blog and i have a nice one. I didn't reply at first. But still he kept on liking my blogs and commenting about it.

Curioused, I decided to check his profile and found out that he is the TIMOTHY JOSEPH C*** i followed on twitter. I asked him how he found my blog and he said that he checked my profile and saw that there's a link on my bio so he followed it.

I want to ignore him at first but he keeps on praising my blog so I decided why not be friends with him.

After our christmas party, Tim (officemate) asked me if I can go out with him. I just couldn't say yes because I was really busy that time plus I feel really really embarrassed and shy and obvious that I like him. I don't want him to take advantage of that (call me naive yes). I have to learn to control myself first and i feel like everything was going fast.

And this Tim (online), he bugged me everyday. He even wanted to be friends on facebook. I didn't want to be rude so i accepted his friend request.

Days and days he (tim online) would message me and ask me how was my day and my work. He became my confidant. I don't know, but i suddenly felt like I could trust him and we could be best friends. He will give me advice and he always says he cares for me. I even gave him my phone number!!!

He calls me everynight. And I found myself laughing at his jokes and he was laughing with mine too.

And then I began to ignore Tim (officemate). I think I am falling in love with the boy I met online even though i haven't seen him yet in person. He also admitted to me that he was attracted to me and he always think of me. (dear girls do not judge me, i know it wasn't hard to believe it because those are the words we always wanted to hear)

I decided to meet him. I didn't expect he's really good looking in person. Boy he is so tall and has a broad shoulder and he looks very attractive with just a white shirt and jeans.

He brought me to church because he wanted to attend mass first. I was very nervous. He was confident.

"I want Him to be the very first to meet the special girl in my life right now"
he told me after hearing the mass.

I didn't say anything. I felt my palms sweating and my heart didn't stop beating fast. 

The first time he held my hand, indescribable. I wanted to faint. 
And so obviously at the end of the day, I realized that I had really fallen for him.

But I felt the need to hold back. I didn't want to be completely attached to him. I was scared. I haven't had a boyfriend before. 

Sometimes when he really wanted to see me or fetch me from work I would disagree. Not because that I didn't want to. But as time went by, my feelings for him got deeper and deeper and I didn't want to be vulnerable. 

But I always remind myself that it's okay and maybe it's time to let my guard down. That it's time to break the walls I built for a very long time.

It wasn't hard to fall for him. He's very smart, has a billion sense of humor to always makes me smile. We have lots of common in everything. 

Fourth date, I decided that I would give him the word YES. But before uttering that I've felt a big silence between us. Sometimes i would caught him staring at me intently and i don't know what he wanted to tell me. But I didn't ask. I knew I could not handle it. So I set aside the YES.

But he became honest saying he wasn't sure of me anymore and that that was the first time he ever felt unsure. I felt like a large brick was thrown in my chest that instead of being hurt, it would only make you numb. 

Ironic, that was his first time ever to be unsure to enter a relationship when it was my first time too, to ever felt I was a hundred percent sure to open myself to someone.

I ran away. I didn't look back. He didn't ran after me. And that day, I know it's really over what has not been started.

I didn't see him after that and I haven't heard from him. But still each day you know, I would still hope that he would asked for another chance. But that day never came.

I didn't want to put the whole blame on him because I know what happened and why it happened was my fault too. It just hurt that he didn't ran after me, you know just like what happens in movies. 

Today, I am currently dating someone. And since then, I promised myself that I will never be scared anymore. I know that I am worth it for someone who will patiently wait for me, and will always choose me.